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Showing posts from March, 2013

Still More Excerpts from: "Life Tips For The Young"

Neighbours
That singular grouping of peoples for whom the distance between claimed knowledge and actual knowledge is greatest of all.

Next Door Neighbours
Better off left to their own devices. The next door neighbour serves the purpose of letting you know, in small digestible portions, that no matter how bizarre, infantile or selfish the behaviour of your family members they will never be any match for those utter lunatics next door.

Moving House
When you move into a new neighbourhood be aware of one thing and one thing only. The neighbour who first goes out of their way to greet you and make you feel welcome in your new surrounds is bound to be the local crackpot on whom everyone else has already given up.
The neighbours then introduce themselves to you in reverse order, from the furthermost edge of the lunatic fringe ever inward toward something approaching a calm or at least sedated centre.

More Excerpts from :"Life Tips For The Young"

Guilotine
An age-old device used to quickly and cleanly separate elongated objects from their heads. The guillotine employs the unending natural forces of gravity and revolution in concert to deliver its deadly blow.

Mice
Mice are among a range of pest creatures who live pretty much wherever they like and it’s up to you to convince them not to. Mice may carry disease but at least they carry it close to the ground most of the time. Airborne pests like flies, mosquitoes and birds are able not only to raise to the height of your mouth and nose but to also raise above it, enabling them to, should the urge take them, drop objects on top of your head or in your throat should you be lying down or gazing up at the time. Indeed, the Shit-In-Your-Open-Mouth Bird of Paradise from New Guinea first hovers far above its victims, then makes the sound of a helicopter in trouble to make people look upwards while it hides in the sun’s glare, then shits directly into their open mouths fro…

Delusion Does Not Prove Consciousness

While the modern computer is still not conscious of itself in the true sense it does display certain traits which suggest it is delusional.

Public Shaming By Use Of Common Sense

When you are out walking your dog and you see one of those professional dog-walking people with seventeen dogs on 11 leashes and you notice that you cannot avoid the dog-walker and her/his tangled web of rabid mongrels, do not panic.
Dog-walkers can smell panic.
As they approach you and your dog, just a little outside striking distance, when all the fur on every dog's neck is standing fully erect and the saliva glands are pumping, simply and casually reach down and pick up your dog.
By this action shall you totally disarm the dog-walker and all his dogs, leaving them all therefore somewhat confused and yes, ashamed.

Miles Davis Still Turning Heads

In car, bus, train, truck and plane crash videos Miles Davis is always playing on the radio in the background.
Always.

More Excerpts from "Life Tips For The Young"

Day Dreams
Day Dreams exist to make you realise that yes indeed you did just doze off for a few minutes at your desk when you should have been working. You might even have snored.

Snoring
The main purpose of snoring is to alert your loved ones and intimate partners that although they are important to your sense of well being, acceptance and belonging they are not as important as your need to fully self-express even while asleep and if they don’t like it they can lump it.
In physiological mumbo-jumbo snoring is caused by the inflation of the Snorkus Reticulii Flap which is invisible during the day time or when one is in an upright position but visible at night or while lying horizontally. The SR Flap is believed to have developed over a million years ago to help scare away predatory mammals on the plains of Winnebego.

Visions
There are two sorts of visions: the cheap ones that have absolutely no monetary value and the dear ones from which a lucrative lecture circuit ca…

Staring at Art

When you stare at a statue or a painting for long enough, like, without blinking, it will appear to move of its own accord. Two to three minutes is usually long enough for beginners.
Statues of people will look back at you and expressions will come over their face and you will freak yourself out.
Security staff at museums are not well-schooled in the art of statue staring and may try to quickly usher you out of the building so you have to be discreet about it.